waterwitch wrote:Dear Hoi-Polloi,
I think you have tons of good information in your piece, and if you are asking for feedback, here is mine from the point of view of your audience - a busy college student, intelligent but with a short attention span.
1. I prefer the STRUCTURE of 2 because you signpost it by saying " Let's look at four theories about 9/11." That gives me a sense of orientation about what's coming next and means I won't get lost.
2. Maybe it would help me to peg the theories better if you gave them catchy, funny names, like For example: "Theory One. - let's call it Hijackers from Hell."; " Theory 2 - let's call it Big, bad Government."
3. I'd like you to use even more rhetorical questions to give me a chance to think about the questions you raise as you did with the planes ( Weren't they seen?)
For example: Why do the street scenes that day resemble Playstation imagery?
Why don't the amateur films which were released later have traceable sources?
4. I'd like you to use shorter and less complicated sentences with as few sub-clauses as possible. Remember, I'm listening to the information and not reading an article.
5. I think the information comes over with the force of a machine gun. After a while it gets to be too much to process. Maybe just concentrate on three aspects - the fake imagery, the fake victims and the fake media? Perhaps you can hammer away at these three points and hang the relevant information gently onto these "pegs"?
I hope this helps and If you want more feedback, please ask. Professionally, I help prepare non-native English speakers with oral presentations
PS One more thing - the tone. I don't want to be preached to. You don't have to sound too upbeat but sometimes less moral indignance and outrage is more. Ideally, at the end of the talk, I will be feeling enraged myself, but realistically, I first have to feel puzzlement and motivation to dig deeper myself.
hoi.polloi wrote:Yet you completely dismiss and ignore my responses to those very points.
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